Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
