yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
