marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
