I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
