I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
