so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
