She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
