somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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