I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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