I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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