So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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