Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
