So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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