I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
