I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
