i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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