Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She just used a chaser for red wine.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
