someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
