you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
