Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
