Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
