Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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