you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
