did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
