I accidentally burped into my bong.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
