Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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