I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
