Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
