I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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