the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
