look no pants
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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