the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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