my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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