Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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