five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
