I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
