The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
