Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
