I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Randomize
