does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
