Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
my poor anus
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
