Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
