You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
