She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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