What did we do last night that was yellow?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
