can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
