I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
