Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
