my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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