I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
