Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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