She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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