Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
