Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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